IT’S JUST ALL “ABOUT ME”

I started life as I meant to continue it, reclining in a bouncy chair while being fed free jelly sweets. When I got older I realised I was expected to buy my own jelly sweets which was a huge disappointment. I attended art school for a couple of years where I arted a lot and learnt to play the ukulele. Shunning fame as a George Formby tribute act and realising I preferred flip-flops to thermal socks I went to live in the sun. Not the sun itself you understand, my jelly sweets would’ve melted, but somewhere the great yellow ball in the sky made more frequent appearances than in my native England. My work experience is extensive, mainly because I’m in my fifties and still haven’t won the lottery.

DIPLOMACY AND PEOPLE MANAGEMENT

My employment spans a variety of roles, the longest of which being reception manager for a timeshare company in Greece. One of the main challenges of this particular job was to welcome and calm holidaymakers who’d been dragged in off the street to attend a lengthy sales presentation, while keeping my ten exuberant staff sober long enough to maintain a respectable level of professionalism and efficiency.

WORKS WELL WITH REPTILES

While backpacking one winter I bought a set of bungalows on the shores of Southern Cambodia which I developed into a thriving and popular business with the addition of a beach bar and team of wonderfully unique Khmer staff. My responsibilities were sometimes unexpected as anyone who has stood on a stool with a small bamboo broom encouraging a metre-long snake to exit a bathroom ceiling can testify. Construction and negotiation skills were key to this role, particularly when the government decided my beach bar needed to be demolished and moved two metres towards the sea to make way for an ‘Eco Pathway’ which subsequently never materialised. It is with tentative pride I can say I kept myself sober long enough to maintain a respectable level of professionalism and efficiency.

UNPAID EMPLOYMENT

I sold the business after five years and spent some time volunteering at a local NGO named “Let Us Create Futures”, which was a sobering reminder that free education and a fair start in life are not a basic human right everywhere in the world. My favourite day was spent watching the little rascals light up when receiving their school uniforms and a pair of flip-flops, purchased solely by charitable donations, which allowed them to attend a state school.

HELPING CURE INSOMNIA

Returning to Europe I found myself managing the screen-print operations of a print and embroidery firm in the Canary Islands, which was a skill I’d learnt in art college when I wasn’t busy sharpening pencils and my infinite wit. One of the few things more impressive than the process of taking artwork through to the final printed product is the speed in which people’s eyes glaze over when I start to talk about it. I worked alone for quite some time which allowed me to perfect my blistering dance moves and regale the neighbourhood with some particularly unhinged ‘singing’.

KINDNESS TO ANIMALS

Having spent the past ten years on the beautiful island of Tenerife with my equally stunning better half we recently took the bold move to pack up our lives into a couple of backpacks and slow-travel about Southeast Asia. So far we’ve been to Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam, Malaysia, and Indonesia and I’ve survived with just the one pair of flip-flops. At present, I’m writing this on the terrace of a Balinese homestay being intently stared at by the landlady’s hilarious tiny dog. His name’s Rona but looks more like a Dave if you ask me. I’ve told Dave I’ll get him some treats once I’ve earned enough from writing, so if you’ve read this far you can contribute to his furry-faced happiness by encouraging my progress.