1. If people don’t return your smile, keep smiling. It really freaks them out.
2. If you can keep your head while all others are losing theirs, either your herbal supplements are spot on, or you haven’t understood the gravity of the situation.
3. Make sure your thumb is out of the way before slamming a car door.
4. Despite your best intentions, some people will always be dickheads.
They have been placed into your life as a test of your patience and self-respect.
5. Unless you want to look like an idiot for at least 3 weeks, don’t cut your own fringe when it’s wet.
6. Any activity can be turned into an extreme sport if you add enough tequila.
I recommend Zorbing.
7. Managing to make a crying person laugh is so rewarding. Contorted snot-filled faces are hilarious.
8. If you’ve never skied before, falling off a button lift before reaching the top of the slope was a stroke of good luck. The universe was looking out for you, even if everyone else was just pointing and laughing as you slid head-first to the bottom, arriving three minutes after your skis.
9. The more annoyed you are the more likely it is you will catch the loop of your dungarees on a door knob.
10. If you ignore pain and grief it eats into your body and mind, and years later you will find yourself disappearing backwards into a black abyss on a descent into madness and despair.
11. You will have a favourite spatula.
12. You don’t always have to ‘seize the day’. The day might not like it and turn nasty. Sometimes the day would just appreciate a cuddle.
13. You will not learn to swim by putting armbands on your ankles and flapping your arms around in the water.
14. Making home-made gifts for your loved ones brings personal joy. Mostly to see their reaction as they try to work out what the hell it is.
15. Trust your instincts. Unless you’re drunk.
16. Non-chemical integrated therapies are far better for the mind and body than pain-killers.
17. If you focus too much on what’s behind you, you’ll never see what’s coming.
Lampposts are hard.
18. Trust is a gift. When someone breaks it you are not obliged to fix it for them.
19. However much I like my sleep, farting myself awake is never not funny.
20. Once passed forty-four you constantly forget how old you are and have to work it out from your birth year.
21. No matter how many times I was warned as a child, no stranger ever offered me free drugs.
22. Don’t grow up, it’s a trap. You can’t take a nap at family gatherings, and no one cares what your favourite dinosaur is.
23. Breathing meditation takes practise. Once mastered, it can lessen pain, help you sleep, and stop you from shouting obscenities at the WiFi router.
24. Wearing a seat belt will save your life.
25. Wearing a crash helmet would have saved four days in hospital and 13 stitches.
26. In groups of four or more friends there’s always one weird one. If your friends all seem normal, it’s you.
27. Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhoea.
28. I never remember how to spell diarrhoea. As opposed to the US spelling, the British has an extra ‘o’ in it. Which coincidentally, is the sound you make when you realise you have it.
29. Don’t refill the coffee jar next to an open cutlery drawer.
30. Fifty is a lot eh? I may have over-committed here. I should have pretended I’m forty.
31. Keep in touch with special friends. Particularly the ones who would break you out of prison, or at least bring snacks.
32. If you can’t do one thing each day that scares you, try scaring someone else.
33. Get your qualifications when you’re given the chance. Later on, when you try to find work, recruiters and the algorithm care less about your life experience and only that you have a bachelors degree in a related field.
34. If you can’t find work, lie about having a bachelors degree.
35. Music is life. Music is therapy. Music can transport you to another place and time. Take headphones.
36. A two metre long inflatable crocodile is ‘not an appropriate gift for a baby’.
37. Blowing raspberries at them doesn’t stop pop-ups or YouTube ads.
38. You’re still reading? Don’t worry, number 41’s a good one.
39. A printer’s functional capacity is directly proportional to your stress level and the urgency of the task.
40. If you let your weird light shine bright it attracts interesting people and repels the dull. It can also get you two seats to yourself on the bus.
41. No one can stop you from eating cake for breakfast.
42. The best final note sung on Nessun Dorma was Luciano Pavarotti, live in Paris 1998. If it doesn’t give you goose-bumps, it’s time to get your hearing checked again.
43. However it’s cooked, tofu always feels like you’re eating a flip-flop.
44. Regret is self-destructive. Learn and make peace with past mistakes. Or see if there’s an easier way to get selective amnesia other than hitting yourself over the head with a shovel.
45. Going for a long walk in nature is a great way to clear the head. Unless you’re in a dinghy.
46. We’re nearly there.
I know what you’re thinking.
I’ve saved the best for last.
47. I haven’t, but it reminds me that life is littered with disappointment. Don’t expect too much of people, or let them ruin your day. It’s your day. Ruin it yourself.
48. Believing in reincarnation and the soul’s onward journey brings comfort when you lose a loved one. It also lessens existential dread. It is not an excuse to make a to-do list for the next life.
49. Despite what the shouty man tells you, you are never too old for the bouncy castle.
50. Question everything.
Especially this list.
