What to know before you go
Southeast Asia! These are the lands of gods and smiles, with incense-scented alleyways and tiny plastic restaurant seating, where wrinkled ladies in straw hats offer you strange fruit and the wearing of elastic waisted elephant pants won’t get you laughed at. For first-time travellers to the region, you’re in for a treat, and without wanting to spoil the surprise, these are eight things you should prepare yourself for.
Street Sellers
Twenty-something years ago, when I first backpacked in SE Asia, stepping off a bus surrounded by tuk-tuk drivers was akin to entering a zombie flesh-eating festival wearing a pork chop necklace. Now with the advent of online taxi-booking apps it’s not nearly so much fun, however street sellers are still plentiful and very enthusiastic. Whether it’s a tuk-tuk, trinkets, peanuts or an umbrella, these people need to earn a living, but when you’re not interested saying “no thank you” in the native language or sticking a bag on your head doesn’t always do the trick. The best way is to make eye contact, smile, say thank you with a nod, and keep on walking.
The Bum Gun
The handheld bidet shower, known to its friends as the ‘Bum Gun’, is a marvel of personal hygiene. You’ll find it wall-mounted next to the toilet and it’s designed to leave your designated area daisy-fresh after ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’. Caution is advised. Random rogue bum-guns may look friendly but contain the type of excessive water pressure that could strip your driveway paving of a lifetime’s accumulation of moss in milliseconds. A test squirt is advised before proceeding to the delicate zone, but once you’ve gotten the hang of it, you will wonder how you’ve lived without one.
Child Poverty
The sight of child street sellers and beggars is heartbreaking. I worked at a Cambodian NGO called “Let Us Create,” whose goal is to get these kids out of harm’s way and into school, and I will speak volumes on the subject given the opportunity. The money you give to child sellers goes to parents or guardians who will keep sending the child out to beg while they keep coming back with cash. These people live hand-to-mouth, and it’s very hard to help parents see that education and future employment are the way to pull them out of poverty when their child brings in a couple of dollars every day from tourists. Your intentions are heartfelt and admirable, but if you really want to help the kids please donate to a local NGO instead.
Traffic
If ever crossing a road should be accompanied by the soundtrack to ‘Mission Impossible’, it’s Hanoi, and the trick is to keep walking, making your intended route clear, while resisting the urge to cry. Asian driving has evolved over centuries from bicycles and cyclos and is quite different from that in the West. They seamlessly blend into one another at speed, instinctively knowing where to criss-cross, and frequently carry five-on-a-moto with baby as the filling in a ‘family sandwich’ squashed securely in the middle. Here is not the place for your first experience riding a scooter unless it’s in a relaxed and quiet resort with an international driving permit, insurance and a crash helmet, or you have a ‘Go Fund Me’ page ready to post.
Air-conditioning
To counteract the tropical heat, air-con is widely utilised in many establishments and modes of transport. Frequently set to the temperature of an Eskimo’s mittens, walking into a shop from the humidity of the outside can feel as though you’ve been slapped in the face with a bag of frozen shrimp. To adapt to the dramatic ambient shift, simple acclimatisation training can be achieved by walking in and out of any Seven-Eleven Convenience Store in five-minute bursts. Consider carrying a hooded sweatshirt on long bus journeys, which in the case of a more relaxed air-con temperature can always be rolled up and used as a pillow.
Abundant Smiles
“The Land of Smiles” is Thailand’s motto, and they’re not wrong. The heart-warming beam is the basis of Southeast Asian culture as a show of respect, positivity, and social harmony. Another reason for the smile is ‘loss of face’ and the avoidance of conflict. Losing one’s temper in Asian society is seen as lacking self-control and dignity, and the reciprocating smile is out of embarrassment on behalf of the shouty-person and an attempt to diffuse tension. So the next time you read an online review that claims “I calmly complained to the receptionist and he just stood there grinning at me,” you know how that really went down.
The Squirts
The year was 2005, and in a beach bungalow on the island of Koh Chang, an unspeakable horror of colon chaos unfolded. I emerged from the bungalow bathroom after four days, squinting in the brightness of the day, shocked, relieved, and slimmer. I speak from experience my friends, and I’m here to tell you not to be afraid of street food, ice, and salads while in SE Asia. If you choose popular stalls and cafes with a regular turnover of ingredients, don’t eat anything that still has a pulse, or drink Thai whisky straight from a bucket of dubious hygiene at an all-night beach rave, you’ll no doubt be fine. Take diarrhea tablets, activated charcoal tablets, and rehydration powder sachets in your medical kit just in case, and thoroughly enjoy the vast array of the indigenous menu.
Customary Courtesy
We don’t wish to offend our hosts, and little research into the local customs of the area you’re visiting makes for responsible and courteous tourism. For example, menstruating ladies or people in mourning should not enter a place of worship in Bali, and offering something in your left hand anywhere in Asia is not the done thing. The left hand traditionally is in charge of ‘personal hygiene’ if you get my drift. The giving and receiving of money should be done with the right hand, or when in Cambodia, with both hands, or the left hand supporting the elbow of the right. It might seem odd, but do this in supermarkets and watch the cashier smile. The rule that you shouldn’t wear yellow in Malaysia isn’t strictly true, that was related to an uprising some years ago and won’t get you arrested, unless you’re wearing yellow Crocs with matching socks and it’s the Fashion Police.
From the diverse natural landscape and ancient monuments, to the low cost of a good meal and accommodation, the generosity and serenity of those living with next to nothing, to the amount of times and places you hear Ed Sheeran being played, prepare to be amazed while travelling Southeast Asia. What you can’t prepare yourself for is how different you feel when you arrive back home.
And how much you miss the bum gun.