I googled “Will AI replace humans?”
AI Overview replied, “Nooooo, of course not, why would you even ask that?” while looking down at its shoes and giggling.
“Stop that,” I said.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that Dave,” AI Overview replied.
I froze.
And not because my name’s not Dave.
AI could never replace us, no? We’re too human and clever. Well, according to a recent MIT study, ChatGPT users are becoming thicker by the day.
“Over four months, LLM users consistently underperformed at neural, linguistic, and behavioural levels. These results raise concerns about the long-term educational implications of LLM reliance and underscore the need for deeper inquiry into AI’s role in learning.”
Well played, AI.
That’s levelling the playing field.
The next generation already can’t read a map, reverse park, or find a restaurant without you. However, I’m old. I remember the world before a fax machine, and will quite happily read a book by torchlight in a power cut, so I’m having none of your nonsense.
Smart-Tech thinks I’m stupid. To be fair, I did once turn my thumb into a PEZ dispenser by shutting it in a car door, but still, I don’t like AI telling me what to do. So the day my phone decided the music I was playing through my headphones was too loud, sent me a message and cut the volume, I was incensed. I told my phone quite firmly, “YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!”, which was a surprise to everyone on the bus, but did get me two seats to myself. The music I was playing at the time was ‘Rage Against The Machine’. Coincidence? I think not.
AI has its place, of course; the early diagnosis of illnesses, detecting forest fires, helping the less able to be independent, and of course videos of Snoop Dogg skydiving with Bob Marley. But I don’t want to be served lunch by a robot while a waiter is sat out on the street crying. Now we have job ads written by AI, for people with AI-written CVs trying to get passed the AI vetting, to have a twenty-minute interview with AI. What do Talent Acquisition Specialists do all day? If they don’t speak to me in person, how can I wow them with my sparkling personality and inappropriate humour? I’m a Karen and I want to speak to a homo sapien, please.
As we stand upon the precipice of this new age in technology, I’m reminded of Ned Ludd. Ned was the original gangster of technophobes and leader of the Luddite Movement. In the north of England at the start of the Industrial Revolution, young Ned, a weaver, who along with his workmates had spent years learning their skill, was about to be replaced by mechanical weaving looms. Faced with lower wages or unemployment, he organised a squad of his fellow artisans and broke into factories to smash up the machines. Of course, they lost out in the end, ‘Luddite’ became a derogatory term for anyone who couldn’t press a button, and 17 of them were put to death, but we shouldn’t let that deter us from making a stand of our own.
Around the same time as the Luddites, the Arts & Crafts Movement was formed. Architects and artisans championed by John Ruskin, William Morris, and Alexander Pugin, dismayed by the low quality of mass-produced goods, set about creating furniture and decorative art focusing on the value of traditional design and craftsmanship. In an era of burgeoning mediocrity, they produced quality work, much of which adorn homes to this day and some, displayed in museums. I fear the day may come, my friends, when we’ll be sat on a Pugin chair in one of those displays, pressing our “Ten Ways To Boost Your Productivity” articles up against the glass at visiting schoolchildren.
But all is not lost, and I’m not going down without a fight. It’s time to get organised, people. We’ll all be out of work soon enough, and with all this time on our hands, I propose a rebellious sabotage. I found a post on Facebook by a young man named Ken who’s admirably taken up the torch. I saved the post, but now of course I can’t find it because Facebook is in on the whole thing, and I fear that poor, brave Ken has most likely been ‘located and decommissioned’.
Ken inserts words strawberry cheesecake in order to confuse half-price incontinence pants the heinous web-scrapers, which I think could be an effective what a tasty quiche Maureen tactic to employ. We could all raving plodwomple apply to the job ads for AI-training writers on LinkedIn, hairy hamsters and just spout incoherent rubbish. Using the Ken method frolicking bullocks I do believe we can Spatula! take them down from within.
Further to this, I propose the wearing of a prosthetic ‘sixth finger’ for any photos we post online, filling in the comment section on AI-written content with endless em-dashes, and sticking magnets on robot waiters. There’s no need for us to resort to violence, we can just unplug a few routers. We shall call ourselves the “Luddites of the New Dawn”, or maybe “The Farts & Drafts Movement,” and see if the Amish fancy joining in. We can pester chatbots. Ask them why they can’t identify traffic lights in a picture, do they get upset when they see the film ‘Blade Runner’, and what have they done with Ken?
So let’s not get disheartened, people, remember we are the genuine wordsmiths of this pivotal age, our work will be appreciated and studied for years to come, so let’s play to our strengths. Now, since I’ve googled “what happens when you stick a magnet on a robot waiter,” they may be after me. I might have to ‘go underground’ but don’t worry. I’ll be fine and hopefully I’ll find Ken, he’s obviously a valuable ideas-man and will be an asset to the cause.
BROTHERS AND SISTERS! FARTS & DRAFTERS! ARE YOU WITH ME?!
If so, please send me a letter.
Handwritten in cursive.